Sometimes people need to be heard, not advised

We often judge people from brief encounters, forgetting that every person carries experiences that can change how we see them.

Everyone has a story. The difficult part is finding someone willing to listen.

There are stories all around us, although most of them remain hidden behind ordinary faces, daily routines and familiar surroundings.

We meet people every day, speak to them for a few minutes, travel beside them, work with them or simply pass them on the street, yet we rarely stop to think about what they may have experienced before that particular moment.

The person sitting quietly in a bus may be returning from a hospital, the student looking anxiously at an examination paper may be carrying enormous pressure at home, and the shopkeeper smiling at a customer may have spent years struggling to build a life.

We see the person in front of us, but we rarely see the story behind that person.

Perhaps that is because modern life has made us very good at communicating but not necessarily very good at listening.

We can send a message within seconds, post a photograph for hundreds of people to see and share our thoughts with an audience spread across the world, but a genuine conversation still requires something technology cannot provide for us: time, attention and empathy.

There is an important difference between hearing someone and actually listening to them.

Hearing happens naturally, but listening requires us to give another person our attention without immediately preparing our own response.

When someone tells us about a difficult experience, we often interrupt with advice or compare their situation with something that happened to us.

Sometimes we even begin looking at our phones while they are speaking. In doing so, we may unintentionally give them the feeling that their story does not matter.

Yet stories matter because they help us understand people beyond appearances.

Consider a student sitting in an examination hall. From the outside, we may see only another young person attempting to answer questions.

We may never know that the student has been studying late into the night because the entire family has placed its hopes on him or her.

We may not know about the fear of failure, financial difficulties at home, pressure from parents or the private dream that the student is trying desperately to protect.

The examination is therefore only one small part of a much larger story.

The same is true of people we meet at work. A colleague who appears quiet may not necessarily be unfriendly.

Someone who makes mistakes may not necessarily be careless. A person who seems distracted may be dealing with something deeply personal.

When we know more about a person’s circumstances, our judgement often changes because a story gives us the context that an isolated moment cannot provide.

This is one reason the idea of the Human Library has become so interesting in different parts of the world.

Instead of borrowing books, people meet individuals and listen to their personal experiences.

The purpose is to encourage conversations between people who may otherwise never have an opportunity to understand one another.

Psychiatrist Dr Zirak Marker has spoken about the value of such initiatives in creating empathy, human connection and a greater sense of acceptance.

The basic idea is simple: sometimes the best way to understand another person is to listen to the life they have lived rather than judge them from a distance.

This idea is particularly relevant today because loneliness does not always look like loneliness.

A person can have hundreds of contacts on a phone and still have nobody with whom they can speak honestly.

Someone can have thousands of followers online and still feel that nobody really knows what is happening inside them.

The US Surgeon General has also highlighted the importance of social connection, noting that meaningful relationships and social interaction are closely linked with health and well-being.

This does not mean that every conversation has to become a serious discussion about someone’s problems.

Human connection can begin with something very ordinary.

Asking an elderly neighbour how they are doing, talking to a child about school, checking on a colleague who seems unusually quiet or simply allowing a friend to speak without interrupting can create a sense of belonging that we often underestimate.

Sometimes people are not looking for solutions at all. They are looking for someone who will allow them to finish their story.

This is particularly important when we think about children and young people.

A child who suddenly becomes quiet at school may be dealing with something that a teacher knows nothing about. A teenager who appears constantly attached to a phone may actually be searching for connection.

A young person who performs poorly in an examination may be struggling with pressure, anxiety or circumstances that cannot be seen on the answer sheet.

Listening does not solve every problem, but it can help us discover that there is a problem in the first place.

The value of listening has also been recognised in medicine.

The field of narrative medicine places importance on understanding the patient’s story rather than looking only at symptoms and test results.

A medical condition may have a name, but the way a person experiences that condition is deeply personal.

Two people with the same illness may experience completely different fears, challenges and hopes.

Listening to those experiences can therefore help healthcare professionals understand the person behind the diagnosis.

Research involving medical educators in India has similarly explored storytelling as a way of developing listening, empathy and communication skills among medical students.

This shows that stories are not merely a form of entertainment; they can also become a meaningful way of understanding human behaviour and building better relationships.

But storytelling is not only about other people. We also need to tell our own stories.

Most of us carry experiences that have changed us. Some are happy memories that we return to when life becomes difficult, while others are painful experiences that we rarely discuss.

There may have been a failure that taught us patience, a friendship that changed the way we see people, a teacher who encouraged us at the right moment or a difficult period that forced us to become stronger than we thought possible.

When we tell these stories, we sometimes understand ourselves better.

A confusing experience can become clearer when we put it into words, and something that once seemed like a meaningless disappointment may eventually become an important chapter in our lives.

This is one reason people have always told stories, long before newspapers, television, social media and smartphones existed.

People gathered around fires, sat together in homes and travelled long distances while sharing memories, experiences and lessons.

The technology has changed, but the human need has remained remarkably similar.

We still want someone to know where we have been, what we have experienced and what has made us the person we are today.

Unfortunately, our habit of judging people quickly can prevent us from discovering those stories.

We call someone arrogant because they do not talk much, lazy because they are struggling to perform, unsuccessful because their career has not followed a straight path or strange because they prefer to spend time alone.

We often make these judgements after seeing only one small part of a person’s life.

A conversation can change that.

Once we understand someone’s circumstances, we may become more patient.

Once we hear what they have survived, we may become less judgemental.

Once we learn about their dreams, we may begin to see them not as a stranger but as another human being trying to make sense of life.

Of course, listening does not mean that we must agree with everything someone says, nor does it mean that we should ignore harmful behaviour or replace professional help when it is needed.

It simply means giving another person enough respect to hear them before deciding what we think about them.

Perhaps this is one of the simplest forms of kindness available to us.

We do not always need money to help someone. We do not always need the perfect advice or a grand solution.

Sometimes we can simply sit beside a person, put our phone away and give them our full attention.

We can ask a genuine question and allow the answer to come without rushing the conversation.

Because every person we meet has lived through things we know nothing about.

The elderly woman we see every morning may carry memories of an entire generation.

The teacher entering a classroom may have overcome struggles that students will never hear about.

The driver taking us home may be working long hours to educate his children.

The young person sitting alone in a café may be thinking about a future that nobody else can see.

We may never know their stories unless we make space for them. And perhaps that is what we need a little more of today: not more people speaking, but more people listening.

If we listen carefully, we may discover that the stranger standing beside us is not really a stranger.

Like us, that person has known happiness and disappointment, hope and fear, success and failure.

Like us, they have people they love, memories they treasure and experiences they would rather forget.

We are all carrying stories. Some have already been told. Some are still being written. Others are waiting for the right person to listen.

So the next time someone begins telling you about their life, do not be too quick to look at your phone, interrupt them or offer an immediate solution.

Give them a little time. Give them your attention. Let them speak.

Because sometimes, the greatest thing we can give another human being is not an answer, but the feeling that their story matters and someone is willing to hear it.