‘They’ve no time’: How distant soulmates make marriages miserable in Kashmir

Both stats and statements are hinting at the growing marital distress in Kashmir leaving families torn asunder and prompting one to question: Are you ready to marry?

Most commonly when we talk to married women in our society, they complain of their partners being distant. 

But when spouses and husbands say “Qabool hai” in the nikah ceremony, they take over all the responsibilities of the lady from her father or guardian and willingly say that everything in relation to her is on me. 

But most men tend to think shallow. They think that providing financially is enough. That there is food on plate and a roof on her head, so she should be ever thankful and never utter a word. 

What they miss out on is that it is not merely a financial responsibility, but also emotional and spiritual. 

Most men in our society think that the wedding is over, mehr is given and all of their responsibilities are over. Now it is up to the lady to handle everything. Manage the house as well as relationships. What they do not realize is that marriage is an empty box. 

You’ve to give your time and effort to this relationship to make it grow. To make it into a healthy relationship where you find your comfort and peace. 

Time is one of the rights mentioned in every nikah document and mostly on top of the list.

It’s a right of the wife that husband should spend quality time with her. Be that helping her or just talking to her while she’s cooking, or taking her out and having a dinner, taking walks together, watching something. Anything that fosters a bond between the couple. Anything that is pleasurable to both of them. 

But instead what we see is the husband will leave in the morning and in evening come back in a bad mood. Not talk to her properly and instead will take out everyone else’s anger on her. 

And in case she asks for help, he will say, “I’m tired. Don’t bother me.” If the same lady talks to her friend and confides, the same man will raise a hue and cry about it. His ego getting hurt. 

Do men not consider that their not being available is hurtful? That marriage is supposed to give that lady a guardian and a confidant, but instead what they get in our society is a master. 

If they do not have the bandwidth to spend time with their spouse, why marry? Why show someone dreams of companionship and bring them home only to let them down and feel lonely? Why bother with so much expenditure then? 

Emotionally, most men in our society are immature. They do not know, or do not want to understand that their wife needs their time and effort into the relationship as well. It’s not a one person job. If men do not understand this, they should not marry at all. 

If they do not have time and a good word for their spouse, they should not bother with marriage. They should rather continue being “ladka beta” at their place. 

Why do they keep forgetting that at the last sermon in Arafat, the prophet mentioned, “The best amongst you is the one who is best to his wife.” 

Can any male in our society say that they fit the bill? 

Men also need to understand that when they marry, their spouse has a right to a separate house. It’s not that she’s unaccommodating or a bad person if she asks for it. It’s a right bestowed upon her from Almighty and it should be respected. 

And even after understanding that post marriage wife comes at top priority, especially if parents are financially and physically healthy and not depending on their child, women are usually forced to live with in-laws else the “Man” will divorce her. 


Doesn’t Almighty ask us to go live separately and create a healthy family? If they do not live on their own, how are they going to tackle life, understand each other and each other’s preferences, what bugs the other, what should never be said, what makes them happy, favourite food, how to cheer each other up…

Why bring in a lady and let her get tortured by her mother-in-law because she does not like the taste of the food or the way she dresses or her priorities? 

Why bring her in just to make a maid out of her, so that everyone can sit and enjoy a cup of tea and she has to slave in the kitchen? Or clean or do laundry? Isn’t she equally part of the family? 

How’re these men going to justify when Almighty will ask them about the rights of their wives? Aren’t they afraid? 

When Allah mentions men as “Qawaamoon”, he places on them a responsibility and mentions that in regards to wives. Allah alone will question them. 

Shouldn’t this be enough to keep men in line and make sure their wives are comfortable? Shouldn’t they draw a boundary with their parents that please do not cross this, she is equally dear to me as you are? 

Shouldn’t he treat her like his izat and make sure everyone treats her like that only? 

Do men not remember that their parents’ responsibility is on them and not on their wives? 

Do they not remember that if their wives serve their parents, it’s a favour onto them which they’ve to return? Do they forget that their wives have the same rights over them as they have? 

When thinking of marriage, men should not only consider whether they can take the financial burden, they should also consider whether they’re ready to give their energy to this relationship, that if they want to live with parents would he be able to strike balance? 

That if need arises can he tell his mother that she is wrong? Whether he’s able to take his decisions on his own, or is he still dependent on his parents to make the decision for him? 

If the answer to any one of these is a no, don’t marry. Save your own peace and that of someone else too. Don’t jump into it unless you are a man, not a man-child. 

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