I just want you to know that I am writing this letter for many reasons.
I want to put it all on paper, so I become aware that I have an actual disease and that it is probably going to be a part of me for the rest of my life. I am also writing this letter to all those people who keep asking me what is wrong with me and why I don’t ‘look okay’.
And most of all, I am writing this letter to get to know you better. Because even if you have been a part of my life for a long time, I have never talked to you directly.
But now, it is about time, right?
It is time to accept you as an equal, because even if I don’t, you run my mind at the moment. And I can’t do anything about that. You are always here, and even if I think that you have gone for a couple of days, I can’t relax, knowing that you are waiting, just around the corner, to attack me again.
But you never come alone. You have your best friend with you. She is similar to you, but she makes me feel different. She makes my brain work overtime like it is my last day on this planet and like something bad will happen to me if I don’t organize my life.
Her name is anxiety.
So, anxiety, if you are also reading this letter, I want you to know that there are a couple of lines in this letter for you since I don’t want you to feel neglected.
After all, you are a part of my life as well, and I need to start to get to know you too. You and depression are a duo that makes every day of mine a living hell.
First, you make me all nervous about the smallest things in my life, and then when you convince me that everything will go from bad to worse. Depression comes and says that I shouldn’t even bother getting out of my bed because I am incapable of doing anything right. It tells me that I am not worthy, that I am not good enough, and that all the other people are way better than me.
It also tells me that I am the unlovable one and that people spend time with me only because of their interests. It keeps telling me that I don’t possess any values and that others can handle multiple tasks better than me.
And at the end of the day, after fighting like a lion for the whole day, I am incapable of thinking straight. I am incapable of talking normally with my friends, people who deserve all of me, but get just small crumbs.
You know depression, you spend so much time with me but I don’t know why you even came into my life. Why are you doing all these nasty things to me? Why are you making me lose my mind, and why do you want to see me down?
Because no matter how much I try to talk to myself, no matter how much I try to rationalize things, I simply can’t. I can’t fight you because you come back stronger every single time.
Luckily, I can pretend well that I am okay, even if you keep feeding off me, with these dark thoughts consuming me. People don’t see that my world is falling apart because there is a smile on my face.
You know, living this long with you, I have become a perfect liar, and I can convince all the people around me that I am okay, even when I am clearly not.
I can convince them that I am having the time of my life, but the harsh truth is, that I don’t feel happiness. I don’t feel anything.
I am comfortably numb, and somewhere along the road, I learned to live like that. Like it or not, I have accepted you as a part of my life, and I am struggling with that feeling every single day.
So, since I have known you for so long, I wanted to ask you for a favor. I wanted to ask you to loosen it up a bit, will you? Can you please let me live without you for a couple of days? You know, it will be good for both of us. You will get some rest from me and God knows that I will get some much-needed rest from you too.
If you leave me for a couple of days, I will be the old me again.
I will laugh. I will feel happiness. I will feel that I am worthy and that I am enough. Life will be beautiful for me again, and I will be able to breathe with full lungs.
What do you say? Will you leave me alone for some time?
I promise I will be good. I promise I won’t forget about you. Life will just be simpler. Life will just be my own, and I won’t share it with anyone. Don’t think that I will find another friend because you are my friend for life. So, don’t be afraid to go away because I am not going anywhere. I will be right here and when you wish, you can come back. But when you leave me and when you look at my face from a distance, take a moment and think about me.
Do you want to turn off that fire in my eyes and the laugh that makes others laugh?
Do you want to see me down, in my bed for days, thinking about the worst, because I can’t live any longer like this? Don’t you know that if I fall, you will fall as well?
Bear in mind that you don’t exist without me!
If it weren’t for me, you wouldn’t have anyone to terrorize. So, I am asking you for just a small favor.
Since we must live in symbiosis, let’s make it easier for both of us. If you are about to be a part of my life forever, let’s make this partnership bearable.
Let’s be friends, okay? Let’s talk.
Let’s do everything together. But let’s just separate from each other once in a while. I assure you that we both need that time for ourselves.
I assure you that I am doing the right thing. Just give me a break, so I can restart and recharge again. Give me a break, so I can gather some energy for these battles with you.
Give me a break, so I can remind myself what it is like to be happy.
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