In the tranquil valleys of Kashmir, where community, family, and emotional ties often run deep, relationships are sacred.
But what happens when these relationships are poisoned from within—not by neglect, but by manipulation masked as love or leadership?
Narcissism, though often misunderstood or dismissed, quietly corrodes relationships, leaving invisible scars on those closest to the narcissist.
The narcissist’s need: constant supply
At the heart of narcissism lies an insatiable hunger—for admiration, attention, and control.
Psychologists refer to this as narcissistic supply. It’s the emotional fuel narcissists constantly need to maintain their self-image.
Like a drug, the supply must be endless. If it stops—if the narcissist feels ignored, criticised, or questioned—their mask begins to crack, revealing anger, insecurity, or cold detachment.
Dr. Craig Malkin, a clinical psychologist and lecturer at Harvard Medical School, writes in his book Rethinking Narcissism that narcissists are often not full of self-love but are terrified of being ordinary.
“They fear being overlooked or unloved,” he notes.
To counter this fear, they seek control over how others see them, constantly demanding praise or dominance in conversations and relationships.
In Kashmiri society, where public image and reputation matter deeply, this trait often blends in unnoticed.
A narcissist may seem like a respectable figure, admired for charm or wit.
Yet, behind closed doors, they can be demanding, cruel, and emotionally manipulative.
Their partner or family members become mere extensions of their ego—tools for validation.
Love bombing: the illusion of affection
In the beginning, narcissists can seem like a dream partner—affectionate, attentive, and generous.
This phase, known as love bombing, is often intense and overwhelming. It feels like pure, passionate love.
But it isn’t love—it’s control disguised as devotion.
They mirror their partner’s desires, say exactly what one wants to hear, and create a whirlwind of intimacy.
But once the narcissist feels they’ve secured their “supply,” the warmth fades.
The same partner who once made you feel special now starts to criticise, isolate, and devalue you.
This calculated tactic leaves the victim confused and vulnerable. They may feel guilty for expecting the same love they initially received.
They begin to chase the fleeting affection, trying harder to please someone who’s already moved emotionally elsewhere.
A spouse’s silent struggle
Living with a narcissist is like walking on eggshells—never knowing what might trigger anger or withdrawal.
Many spouses feel emotionally drained, unheard, and invisible.
Their needs and emotions are either minimised or weaponised. Apologies are rare, empathy rarer.
The narcissist’s unpredictability leads to emotional confusion. One moment you’re idealised; the next, you’re ignored or insulted.
This cycle of idealise–devalue–discard is deeply traumatic and can result in anxiety, depression, and self-doubt for the partner.
The emotional burden is heavier in tightly-knit societies like Kashmir, where familial and societal expectations often override individual wellbeing.
Many spouses—particularly women—silently endure years of emotional manipulation, fearing judgment, isolation, or being misunderstood if they choose to speak up.
Some develop symptoms akin to PTSD, constantly hyper-aware of their partner’s moods, unable to relax or feel safe in their own homes.
Their voices diminish, their self-worth erodes, and the world becomes a place of fear instead of love.
Gaslighting and emotional manipulation
A narcissist frequently uses gaslighting—a manipulation tactic that makes victims question their reality.
For example, if a spouse confronts them about their behaviour, the narcissist may respond, “You’re overreacting,” or “You’re too sensitive,” subtly shifting blame.
Over time, the partner begins to question their memory, emotions, and even sanity.
This manipulation erodes confidence and isolates the victim from family or support systems. They may begin to believe they are the problem, not the victim.
The false self and public image
A narcissist often wears a “false self” in public—one that is confident, charming, and even generous.
This duality is particularly confusing for a spouse, who sees the real person behind the mask.
Friends, colleagues, or even family may refuse to believe the darker truth, further isolating the victim.
In Kashmiri society, which highly values public image, narcissists often thrive. They might be influential, respected figures in their communities.
Speaking against them risks not just emotional backlash but social ostracisation.
Narcissism in the workplace: the toxic boss
Narcissism isn’t confined to personal relationships; it permeates professional environments as well.
In workplaces across Kashmir and beyond, narcissistic bosses can create toxic atmospheres that stifle growth and morale.
Such leaders often exhibit behaviours like taking credit for others’ work, belittling employees, and displaying a lack of empathy.
They may micromanage tasks, disregard boundaries, and react defensively to feedback. Employees under such supervision often experience increased stress, burnout, and a decline in job satisfaction.
A study published in the Academy of Management Journal found that employees with narcissistic supervisors reported lower job satisfaction and higher levels of emotional exhaustion.
This toxic dynamic not only affects individual well-being but also hampers organisational productivity.
Cultural silence around narcissism in Kashmir
In our Kashmiri society, emotional abuse is rarely recognised as real abuse. Cultural expectations of silence, endurance, and maintaining the family image make it harder for victims to speak up.
Narcissists, who are often charming in public, may be respected community members or professionals, making their private cruelty hard to believe.
Mental health, though gaining awareness, still carries stigma. A victim’s plea for help is often met with dismissive advice: “Sab theek ho jayega,” or “Shaadi mein thoda bardasht toh karna padta hai.”
But it’s time we begin to have this conversation.
Mental health professionals in India, like Dr. Shyam Bhat, advocate for greater awareness of emotional and psychological abuse within relationships.
“Understanding narcissism,” he says, “is essential to breaking cycles of control and reclaiming emotional autonomy.”
Healing and reclaiming the self
Healing from narcissistic abuse is not easy—especially when one is unsure whether what they experienced was real. But recognising the patterns is the first step.
Experts recommend: Setting boundaries: Even if the narcissist resists, firm emotional and physical boundaries are vital.
Reclaiming identity: Narcissists often erode their partner’s sense of self. Journaling, therapy, and reconnecting with friends or passions can help rebuild that lost identity.
Seeking therapy: A trauma-informed counsellor can provide support and validate the survivor’s experience.
Building support systems: In places like Kashmir, where therapy access might be limited, even one safe friend or community group can make a huge difference.
Online communities and helplines now offer support for survivors of narcissistic abuse.
Social media advocacy and mental health awareness pages help individuals find vocabulary for what they went through, making healing more accessible.
Final thoughts: why it matters
Narcissism isn’t just a personality trait—it’s a relational trauma that causes long-lasting damage. By speaking openly about it in our homes, clinics, and newspapers, we challenge the silence that allows emotional abuse to thrive.
In a world of increasing emotional disconnection, literature, psychology, and honest dialogue can offer empathy, language, and clarity.
The more we understand narcissism, the better equipped we are to protect ourselves—and to build relationships rooted not in power, but in respect and truth.
Author is a published writer, creative storyteller, and English instructor based in Kashmir.
